Stress as “fight or flight” and “tend-and-befriend”
When we think of stress reactions, most people imagine the classic “fight or flight” response. But there’s another, often overlooked pattern—especially in women—known as tend-and-befriend. This instinctive response drives women to seek connection and preserve relationships under threat. In a study by Youssef et al. (2018), women became more cooperative under stress. This can be a natural survival strategy; however, in some situations, these behaviours can be misinterpreted.
Social Behaviour as a Stress Response
Under acute stress, people exhibiting “tend and befriend” may:
- Smile or laugh inappropriately
- Agree or comply to avoid conflict
- Offer help or reassurance to defuse tension
- Act in a socially outgoing manner to feel in control
- Downplay or minimize their own discomfort or trauma
These reactions are often subtle, socially accepted, and even praised—making them especially hard to recognize as signals of stress. Yet they are automatic reactions or survival instincts aimed at staying safe. Because they resemble everyday social norms, they’re often mistaken as evidence that someone is agreeable or in control.
The Risk of Misinterpretation
When social behaviours are misread under stress, people may be judged as:
- Inconsistent in their story
- Unreliable in how they remember events
- Not credible because their behaviours were confused as intentionally inviting attention
These misunderstandings can have serious consequences—both in the moment, when stress responses are misinterpreted, and also in court cases, where credibility is everything. Because our systems often rely on rational, cognitive frameworks, judgments about what is “credible” or “reliable” are left open to interpretation, shaped by the past experiences and beliefs of the decision-makers
Understanding stress reactions through the lens of Logosynthesis®
In Logosynthesis®, we understand that many seemingly irrational behaviours under stress—like compliance, cheerfulness, or even outgoing social engagement—can stem from a combination of cultural attitudes, underlying beliefs and past experiences.
Patterns can differ by gender and culture, and our systems respond to them differently. The automatic stress response of a man—rooted in control or detachment—may be judged as credible. A woman’s stress response—rooted in connection or appeasement—may be dismissed as unstable. Yet both are stress reactions and equally irrational.
By recognizing both individual situations and societal patterns, we can begin to shift the energy frozen in these patterns to create meaningful shifts in perspective. It’s not about changing personality. This work is not about right and wrong. It’s about resolving the automatic stress reactions to act from a position of calm and clarity.
A Call for Compassion and Awareness
Not all socially outgoing behaviour is a sign of comfort or consent. Sometimes, it’s a signal of distress. When we recognize that friendliness can be a stress response, we open the door to a deeper understanding of the irrational, energetic nature of stress reactions—and better support to aid rational decision making.
Restoring calm starts with recognizing these patterns—and offering guidance and resources to shift the underlying memories that trigger distress.
Here are some ways you can explore using Logosynthesis® to support calm, clarity, and meaningful change, even when stress runs deep.
Source: Youssef FF, Bachew R, Bissessar S, Crockett MJ, Faber NS. Sex differences in the effects of acute stress on behavior in the ultimatum game. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2018 Oct;96:126-131. doi: 10.1016/j.psyneuen.2018.06.012. Epub 2018 Jun 15. PMID: 29940425.